Confessions To My Teenage Self

As I think back to my teenage years and what the difference in every aspect of my life has changed from then until now I feel that I owe an apology to my teenage self. As strange as it would seem to apology to your younger self, I feel that it is owed simply because I feel I let her down. So as I start this confession/apology, I will be directing my statement from me to her.

At this time I see you being 17 years old, in high school just into your junior year. This was at a time where you were, for the most part, pretty happy. You just got into a relationship with someone that you really cared about and was in love with and despite your young age, a fairly serious relationship. But I know things didn’t work out. For my part in that I am sorry.

Because I know I did things to jeopardize that happiness and allowed things that were done to you to jeopardize that happiness. You were also in a prime time to have some kind of ambition to do something with your life. And I failed in that as well. We never had any ambition to be anything. There was absolutely nothing that we wanted to do with our lives as far as career. You could not figure out why. I still can’t and I’m much older now. For that I am sorry.

At the beginning of your junior year, your self-esteem was higher than it had ever been and ever would be. Even before the relationship, you held your head higher and felt like you could even be (dare I say)… pretty. But I know it didn’t last long and for that I am sorry. I let your self-image be defined by what other people thought and what other people said and never about what I really thought and said to yourself. I used their words to describe you, not yours. It didn’t matter if it came from family, friends or complete strangers; I let them dictate how I saw you. For that I am sorry.

Never did you imagine how far off track I would take you. Never did you even think that the person you thought you saw in the mirror every day would end up actually looking like who you saw in the mirror every day. And never could you imagine that I would wish I looked like you. For that I am sorry.

It hurts so much to say that I can’t even control the tears coming down my face. I look at pictures of you and can’t fathom why you thought anything was wrong with you. I mean really wrong with you. Not what others thought/said because who cares about them but what you really thought. Than I remember that it’s because I cared what people thought, especially those that I cared about and loved. It’s not their fault they had opinions and voiced them at you but that I believed their opinions were “facts”. That it was a “fact” that you were too fat to be accepted. It was a “fact” that you were not pretty enough to be accepted. That it was a “fact” that you were not smart enough to be accepted. I allowed that to consume your self-esteem and confidence until there was nothing left but their opinions of you. And with that lack of self-esteem and confidence I ended up turning you into someone who was insecure, paranoid and scared. For that I am so sorry.

And those things I thought were “facts” back then, they were not facts. But because of my insecurity, paranoia and fear, those “facts” became reality that I have had to face today, your future. The future you never thought was there for you has become reality and it’s a reality that I have failed you. I failed you in your being happy, healthy and successful. For that I am sorry.

As you are there in your life dealing with; teenage issues, going to school, doing homework, having fun with friends, spending time with your boyfriend, I look there and see that it really was the happiest you have been. I wish I could have done better for you. I wish I could have made it so 5 years or 10 years from then you would be at your happiest. I wish I could have done better to make it so that at this moment as I’m writing this, we would be at our happiest. For that I am sorry.

The future you will face, even in the next couple of years from then, will be something of extreme emotional pain and mental anguish. And though a majority of it centers on your relationship and the ups and downs of it, it also had to do with the failures that I have made in your future. I allowed the relationship to supersede family, friendships, schooling and most egregiously, God. I put your boyfriend before them all and that gave him carte blanche to hurt you in ways that only God, he, my mother and a therapist knows. The damage became even more so when everyone saw you as an evil bitch because I could not hold the pain in and felt safer to let it out around people as opposed to letting it be private. For that I am sorry.

You couldn’t know that. You couldn’t even figure out how that relationship and the pain and volatile actions from he and I did to each other, could affect you so that I chose to remain alone after it was over. The damage was too severe mentally and emotionally to overcome. I considered myself damaged goods and not fit for anyone, even more so now after everything. For that I am sorry.

You dreamt of having a family of your own. Even thinking that he would be the one to have it with but I failed in that because I decided to go against your instincts from the beginning. I was looking for someone who wouldn’t look at you like other guys did; ugly, fat and disgusting. But in the end he was like everyone else because I behaved in a way that accepted being ugly, fat and disgusting. I should not have behaved that way and allow other people’s opinions to become what I accepted you were and I failed you in that. For that I am sorry.

You deserved better. You deserved happiness, love, success, a family, dreams come true but I decided to choose the opposite. I overrode what God intended for you. I allowed everything else over God. If I had learned back then to put God first, always first, than maybe I could have changed your future. The loss of that future, along with the other losses along the way will make it so that I don’t know how and even if I can bounce back. For that I am sorry.

You haven’t experienced those losses yet and I wish I could really tell you so that it can change something. I’d tell you to spend more time with Grandpa Collis and Nana. Listen to them, talk to them. Ask about their lives and experiences. Call them, write them and see them more because when they are gone, that physical earthly time with them will be gone as well and it’ll hurt more than anything else you have experienced up to that point.

I’d tell you to love and appreciate the cats; Tiger, Dusty and Bud more. Though the special connection with Dusty, though he is in heaven now, is still as strong today as it was when he was alive I wish there was more of a connection with you and him. To just enjoy them, love and take care of them more. Be there for them more than I was. Play with them more and just be in their presence because it really was therapeutic during the hardest times you’ve faced, they were there for you. Especially Dusty, he just knew when I was hurting, whether emotionally or physically and he comforted you during those times until he passed away.

I’d tell you to not put someone first who put you last. To not put you last when you should be, other than God, first. To concentrate more on school and figure out where you can really excel at. Write more, journal more. Write down anything and everything that comes to you. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense to no one else but you, write it down and let it out.

I’d tell you to take care of yourself. I always pushed it away and didn’t want to hear anyone talk to you about eating right and exercising but I know that if my future self would’ve come to me looking like how I do now and tell me to take better care of my health, I’m sure I would’ve listened.

I’d tell you to not try to take your own life multiple times. Nothing that I had gone through at that time was worth you trying to stop living. No one was worth trying to end your life, no matter how much you thought you loved him and how much it hurt loving him, not worth it. There was no remorse in him for what happened with you both. He went on with his life and lost no sleep over the things he’d done and to this day, I have to forgive myself for allowing him to do those things to you and also forgive myself for what I did to him. Though some of things that were done by him were not what I need to get into, he was not a bad person. We were kids and not old enough to be in a relationship that was as serious to the degree that it was.

I’d also tell you to stop the negative tape in your mind that you are; fat, ugly, disgusting and stupid. I’d tell you, my 17 year old self, that you are not fat, ugly and disgusting. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, honest person and deserve to be respected especially by those who are supposed to love you but most especially by me. I was supposed to love and respect you and I failed you. For that I am so sorry.

So I leave you with this; that this confession, though directed at my young self, is more of an apology to myself. I sabotaged myself because I believed that other people’s opinions meant that they were right and I had no hope in ever being accepted by any standards. I settled for far less and did a lot of damage that now cannot be repaired as it is now beyond repair. I just pray no one else does the same to themselves because just existing in life is not living a life. 

Before you know it, you're old and it won't stop

So I'd thought I'd mark an upcoming ocassion happening in my life soon by posting a blog. It's been a while since I've posted one but I'm just trying this for me so that I may look back on this time in the future and realize, most likely, nothing much has changed. Five days from now I'll be turning 35. I thought 30 was when I really realized I was getting older, but I didn't feel half of what I feel now. It's actually a bit frightening to really think about. More so now because I haven't achieved much in my life to really be proud of. When I think of turning 35 I realize that I'm now what most would consider, middle aged. Though my body feels like I'm 70, mentally I'm wondering where the heck my life went. It's like when people say, "Life flashes before your eyes". Though that's usually when something happens that maybe be life threatening and fatal, but isn't aging pretty much the same thing? Though I'm not afraid of death persay, I have a strong belief in God and I know He has my back and when it's my time I will be in His Holy Grace. That being said, I think what I actually do fear most about death is, naturally, how I would die and who I would leave behind. Recently I've had a few near death experiences that made me realize that the life we are given truly is precious. I always thought I would embrace death if it came because I would go to God and be at peace. But when I experienced these "events" I found that I wasn't quite ready to go. I was begging God to help me, to give me the strength to survive it. After the last experience, I had to make sure that I pay attention to what I was doing. Even if my life as it stands is pretty stagnant, I still had that fear inside and had to battle to overcome it. The fear had more to do with who I'd leave behind that frighten me most as well as the condition I was in to get myself to the point of almost dying. I didn't want to die like that. I didn't want my loved ones to know how I would have died, it was more about embarrassment and negligence. So with those instances and my upcoming birthday, I find that though some have ideas, fears, opinions, etc. about aging and death, It's The Little Things of life that make you have to stop and see where you are and what's going on because you never know how fast life can pass you by.

Imagining the 'what ifs'

Have you ever imagined that 'what ifs'? I'm sure many people have. Its those daydreams that go off in your head when you want some kind of change in your life. The other day I had a daydream of sorts to pack a few things, get in my car and take off. Not to escape and never be seen again but to go out and drive around looking for things I haven't seen in this country. Travel to places I've always wanted to go here in the U.S. Problem is what that, being the price of gas and how expensive things are, I need the money. I can go anytime, I don't have a job to go to. But that there lies the problem, Unemployment doesn't exactly pay enough to even buy gas money, let alone food and hotel/motel expenses. So even if I had the chance, I can't afford it. I get paid twice a month and one of those checks goes to helping my dad with the mortgage and the other goes to medical/car insurance, cell phone and internet for the house. If I leave for, say a month or two, how can my father afford the mortgage? He can't, is the answer. So, that idea goes out the window. My head starts to go into the daydreaming of finding someone too. At this stage of my life, I fell that its just not going to happen but being single for so long I, at times, just sit there and ask God, why? Is it my future to be alone for the rest of my life? I'm not getting any younger and I see so many friends getting married and having babies. I want that, but what good is it to want it knowing its most likely not going to happen? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak when I see two people in love or a mom holding her baby and realize that not only will I never be in love again but I won't be a mother either. If you would've asked me ten years ago I would've have said, no kids. But at 33 years old, knowing that biological clock is running on low batteries, I feel the hope being taken away by time. The 'what ifs'...they are what we want out of life. Problem is, though many others will go for it, I've never been the ambitious type. Nor do I want to leave my family high and dry. We depend on each other, but those 'what ifs' plague me. So I sit here while typing this up and thinking of all the 'what ifs' I could have now had I tried 10 or 15 years ago. Hindsight's 20/20 right? And here the "ticker-tape-self-pity-parade" starts, not a lot of good it does I know. I guess that's why I have to leave it in God's hands otherwise I'll probably go crazy trying to figure out why I have to be alone as if I was a bad person or something. So I guess, Its The Little Things that make you imagine the 'what ifs' of your life and whether there'll ever be a change or will it just stay the same.

Insomnia and other curses...

I'm the kind of person that's usually up when people are sleeping and asleep when people are up. Its not very convenient but I've always been a night person especially because I have insomnia. I've had it my entire life as well as sleep apnea. Basically it means, I have a hard time getting to sleep and if I do sleep I tend to stop breathing while I sleep. I have the CPAP machine, it blows air through a hose into a mask that covers my face. Its set at a specific pressure so that I can get air into my lungs while I sleep instead of suffocating. Feeling yourself jerk awake from asphyxiation is not fun. So with all this I just tend to stay up which leaves me having to find something to do. I usually read or watch TV. I also crochet and knit. Sometimes if I want to get up and do something I'll cook or bake. I'm trying to find new dishes and recipes for stuff so I can eat according to the way I need to eat. I had the gastric bypass surgery so I have a restrictive diet. Unfortunately the surgery was not a complete success because complications stemmed from the surgery which has left me with chronic pain. Many tests and procedures were run to determine what happened and still nothing has been determined what the problem is. It has had a major affect on the weight loss. My surgeon said, I've already lost the weight that I can lose by dieting and I've done a good job with that but in order to lose the rest I need to increase my exercise activity. Problem with that is, of course, my pain threshold. The pain is rather excruciating and that amount of exercise I already do, causes me to be in extreme pain. Its a vicious cycle. I had this surgery to help me lose the weight so that I would not need to have to use the CPAP machine, usually gastric bypass surgery "cures" sleep apnea. However, that has not been in case in my situation. You ever get the feeling you're cursed? I'm a Christian woman and I know that God does not intend for me to suffer but sometimes I think that I need a break. Then it hits me, there are far more people out there in the world that have it much worse than I do. Who am I to complain, right? I don't know but sometimes you have to throw yourself a little pity party just to acknowledge that you're going through stuff. If you ignore it, it doesn't go away it stays and festers. That's why I went to all the doctor's appoints and had test after test done. As a result of all this I ended up losing my job. So now I get to sit at home and stress about bills and money and worry about, if I find a job, how am I going to be able to handle working 8 hours a day in constant pain. The worst pain is when I'm sitting. Luckily being at home, once the pain becomes to difficult I can go to my room and lay down. Laying down helps because there's no pressure where the pain is. So being that I worked in office jobs, I'm sitting at a computer and on the phone most of the day. Therein lies the problem of, how do I work full time so I can make money to pay the bills without going stark raving crazy because of the chronic pain in which the doctor's have no idea of what's causing it? This is what not sleeping does. It causes all these pressures and anxieties and worry to continue to repeat itself in my head. And my parents wonder why am I always sleeping. Its because I don't want these worries and this pain so I'd rather sleep than have to deal with it. But than, here comes insomnia and sleep apnea, ruining the only time that I can be free of everything. Sleep to me is like crack or marijuana to a junkie. I want it at the most inopportune times. The beautiful thing about sleep though is that its free, its good for you and that's where I get a lot of my thoughts for my novels from, my dreams. I dream every single time and I tend to remember my dreams. I've always been a sleeping in kind of person. Even when I was a kid, I loved sleeping in. Though its been said that its not good for you to sleep in, ruins yours bodies clock or something like that. Poppycock is what I say! For me, I need the sleep as much as I can get whenever I can get it. The reason being, sleep apnea. Its a sleep killer. When I had my sleep study I was basically told that I had the most severe case of sleep apnea. Say if I was to get, on an average, 8 hours of sleep. Technically I would only be getting 4 hours. The rest of the time I'm waking myself up so that I can begin to breathe again. I was rated at waking up 500-600 times within 8 hours of sleeping. Most of those times I had no idea I was waking up, others I became conscious which causes me to have to try to get back to sleep. I rarely went into a REM cycle. So that's why I'm typing out another post because its late and I'm bored and haven't gone to sleep yet and am just waiting for the dough to set in the fridge before I can start baking another new recipe. It goes to show that Its The Little Things that makes sleeping a more desirable drug of choice. When in doubt sleep it out!

In search of...

I went on Facebook and noticed posts from people I know. They're posting about their children, some already have them and others are about to give birth. I realized these people that I knew way back in high school, most of them are younger than me. Then I see my life; no husband (not even a boyfriend) and no children (other than my furkids). I hits me from time to time how alone I have been. Not trying to whine or complain here but just a need to get it out. Put it out there that I am fully aware of how cut off from the human race I've been. Have I ever been in love? Sure. When was that? Many years ago. Therein lies the problem. The one person that I loved more than myself ended hurting me more than anyone ever had. Have I stayed single because of him? No. But I have stayed single because of what happened with him. I spent four years with him and though I would love to say that was four years of happiness, I'd be lying. Were there happy times in our relationship? Sure, a few. Most of the time though, it was chaotic. It began with lies. He lied to my face and I changed. Not that he wasn't warned mind you. Having been hurt before by someone who lied to me or more exact, lead me on into thinking he liked me to the point where I feel for him, he turned around and went back to his ex. That moment made me realize that no matter what, I don't think I'd ever be truly happy. Then someone else comes along. I didn't want to fall for him. He was like a best friend to me but I found myself wanting to be around him. We got along so well. We were in the same class and spent time together. However, it was made apparent that I was not the one he wanted. There was someone else and although he cared for me, it was only as a friend. Needless to say, I felt horrible. So I called a friend, who was a guy and told him what happened in between my sobs that I couldn't hold back. This guy was just a cool friend that I had actually assumed was with someone else so he was off limits as far as a relationship was concerned. Yet in talking to him, for hours in which he made me feel so much better and I began laughing again, he admitted that he was in fact single. It was entirely confusing but I found talking to him just made things easier. It should have stayed there as I think back. I should have kept him at a friends length instead of pulling him in to a loves embrace. There was so much pain and anger in that relationship. For four years, constant fighting. I've never been the type to hide my emotions so it was evident to everyone around us what a bitch I was. If only they knew why and in private what he did and said to me. Somethings which cause me to question myself to this day. How could I have still loved someone who did, what can only be described as the worst thing to happen to a woman? How could I have continued to be in a relationship with him for two more years. It wasn't in my mind until there was women from my church praying over me to help with the chronic pain I've been in a result of a surgery I had. They wanted to get down deeper and realized that there was more I was hiding or suppressing than just the physical pain. I had never actually come to terms with that event. I pushed it away not believing that it had a name because I still loved him. But when it ended, after learning he was cheating on me, it was as though a weight lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe again. I was not the kind of person I wanted to be while I was with him. I shout out accusations and insecurities. I got angry and yelled. People around would see me as just a horrible person to put such a sweet guy through that kind of thing. Why was he still with me? Why didn't he justs break up with me? Why would he put himself through all that bitching and complaining? He was always the good guy and I was always the bitch. That's just how it was and no matter how much I wanted to change, I realized I couldn't if I was still going to be with him. When I wasn't with him I was different, I was better. When I was, I was paranoid and insecure. In his words, I was a 'psychotic bitch'. I couldn't deny it and I won't because it was true. I hated who I was back then. Because I knew I was better than that. It occurs to me now, years and years later, it was because he was not the right person for me. I held on to that relationship far longer than I should have and now sitting in the loneliness of my life, its feels like penance. There were so many signs that God put in place for me to get out but I looked the other way. Because I did not want to be alone. I wanted someone, even if it was incredibly painful and even if we made each other miserable, I couldn't end it. Not until the unforgivable happened. There are two unforgivable actions for me to end a relationship without a second chance, one is hitting and the second is cheating. He never hit me, he knew better, even though there were times he took what I was not wanting to give him. It wasn't, to me at the time, a violent act. Now, I know better. But as I said, I still loved him and I didn't understand until I told someone and they put a name to that act. That's when it hit me what was really done and how it happened on more than one occasion. But it ended up the demise of the relationship was finding out he was seeing someone else while we were still together. I'm not happy with the way it was found out or how I reacted afterwards but I've always been rather impulsive when I'm angry. So I sit here thinking back and wondering why am I really still alone not even bothering to try to find someone? So many questions to ask but no real answer. Many people wonder if its because I still have feelings for him. That answer is an affirmed, no. My feelings died when I heard the other woman tell him that she loved him. My feelings died at that moment because that's when my heart died. I have never loved anyone, never liked or been attracted to anyone either, not since then. People tell me, 'You need to get out more'. These people have spouses and kids or significant others in their life so it puzzles me how they think I have the ability to just go outside and viola! I find a man. I started asking when they would tell me this, 'Okay, so where do I go? What do I do? What should I say?'. What's their answer? They have none. Because there really is no place for someone like me to go in which I would find someone. Not in this regional area anyway. This is Southern California, the land of plastic surgery and beautiful skinny women where guys could throw a penny and it'll land next to a hot girl. Why in the world would they want someone like me when they can have one of the others? Opportunities don't happen to everyone so I begin to think that mine ran out in school and now there is no more. So I will probably end up being the proverbial 'lonely old woman with a bunch of cats'. I don't know if that's supposed to be depressing or resolute. So I guess It's The Little Things that make you wonder, do your actions earlier in your life cause the consequences you're facing now or is it because you're not willing to change the ending for the risk of further consequences?

It's A Busy Day

So tomorrow I'm having a busy day. A while ago we had a bad flea infestation that came out of nowhere. We were in major cleanup mode and threw out a lot of the cat's things that were covered with fleas. It was astonishing how many fleas and eggs were on my cats! They're indoor cats but there are so many ways for fleas to get in your house that doesn't result in having animals outside. Most likely the fleas attached themselves to my dad's pants while mowing the lawn or cleaning the yard and he brought them in the house and there you go. So I washed the cats and blow dried making sure to comb them. Put the Advantage on them and sprayed the Adams upholstery and carpet spray, which in my opinion is the best spray to use for these situations. Fleas are gone but so is some of the cat's furniture, including one of my cat's bed. So my dad is going to help me in making a new bed. Why? Because those beds out there now are freaking expensive! So I went to the fabric store and bought cute paw print fabric and some wooden dowels. We'll be making a bed and also a step ladder for my cat because he has a hard time jumping up to my bed so I want to make it easier for him. They're older now and I want to make sure that they have an easier and more comfortable life. With the loss of both of our dogs in a matter of 5 months, I want to keep my cats healthy and to live as long as they can. I am a cat person and I love my cats as if they were my children. Granted I have no children but they are my furchilds. It was a huge loss when we had to put our dogs down. In March and August of 2012 were the months that our dogs were put to sleep. Every single day I think of them, I've had dreams of them too. I'd wake up crying because the loss is so deep. Its hard to live in this house without a dog. We've been in this house for ten years and during that entire time, we've always had a dog. Now they're gone and my dad says no more dogs, no more animals period. Once the cats are gone he's done. But as far as cats go, no way. I'll grieve for my cats when they go but I will definitely get another cat. I take care of my cats. I scoop their litter, buy the food and feed them. He can't fight me with cats but with the dogs, it was different. He cleaned up outside and bought their food. But its my mom that has the say because, as the cats are my companions, the dogs were hers. Almost as though she had two sons and they died. That's how it is and I understand her not wanting to get another dog. She doesn't want to go through that kind of loss again in 10 or 15 more years. As much as I want another dog, I get it. I'm an only child and my mom wanted to have more kids which is why the loss hit her, I think, much harder than myself or my dad. Though the loss of them put a hole on my heart, my mom just went into a depression and was crying all the time. We were not working at the time so I told her, you need to get a job or do more volunteer work at the church. It is too depressing in this house without them and she needed to get out. So she went back to work temporarily where she had before and its been much easier for her. But for me, not that much. I walk around the house alone and my insecurity is heightened. I put the alarm on when they leave for work and I don't go outside unless its necessary. I wait until my dad gets home and then I'll go outside. It feels empty and less secure because my dogs were our protectors and with them gone, OMG its so hard. I'm even tearing up now thinking about them. They were such good dogs and there will always be a part of me missing because they're gone. I can't wait until I see them again in heaven because I know they'll be there waiting to play ball with them or just petting them. It'll be the same with my cats too. I don't care if others think there will be no animals in heaven, that's a bunch of crap to me. I'm a Christian woman and I believe that I will see all those I've loved, including pets, when I die.  That's just what I need to cling to in order for me to keep living, knowing I'll join them in eternity. It's The Little Things in life that make it easier to continue to live and look forward to the hereafter.

This morning

So this morning I wake up, exhausted of course. I haven't been sleeping well, tossing and turning. I want to go back to sleep but I just can't seem to get comfortable. It's then I realize, it's the monthly turning of the mattress event. For those of us poor folk who don't have the bed with the memory foam or numbers we get to sleep on the springy-I'm sinking and I can't get up-mattresses. Of course for a big girl like myself, the sinking is more like the Titanic going into the ocean. So I know if I'm going to get any kind of sleep I need to rotate the mattress. Yep, rotate. Not flip the mattress, no there's no more flipping of the mattress. Now these mattress companies want to put these pillow tops on the mattresses. Pillow tops that only mean, there's just a bit more cushion on the mattress to sink into. The underside is just a flat surface that looks a lot like the underside of the bed spring, hmmm...Anyway, being the fact that there's no way to flip, I have to rotate the mattress oh boy what a pain in the you-know-what. When you have a small room like mine, you tend to pack it full of furniture to suit your needs. In doing that, it makes it incredibly difficult to rotate a full mattress. I end up knocking stuff over or knocking down pictures off the wall. But if I want to get anymore sleep, it has to be done so I get up and toss the multitude of crap I had on my bed, including a few crochet projects I've been working on. Luckily the cats are eating their breakfast so I don't have to disturb their sleep because the good Lord knows, if I disturb their sleep there's no living that down. Since I'm turning the mattress I might as well change the sheets and comforter. Now that's more laundry I have to do but who am I to complain? So I take off the sheets, remembering I have those little round things that are supposed to keep the sheet attached to the mattress but I generally end up finding them behind the box springs or on the floor so what good does it do? Or course I end up putting them right back on with the clean sheets thinking that maybe this time it'll work. *sigh So everything's done clean sheets and pillowcases are on, the dirty ones of course are dumped out on the floor because they're not going to fit in my hamper since its full. Note to self, time to do laundry. I arrange my pillows all nice, put a clean sheet on the top of the comforter for the cats so they don't get hair all over my comforter. I sit down and it feels much better but then I realize, all this work has basically waken me up and I can't go back to sleep. It figures! So I guess that means I have time to do laundry...that's just how it works out. It's The Little Things in life that make that little voice in your head say, isn't it great how things work out? And It's The Little Things in life that make you want to bash that little voice's head in so you can go back to sleep.

Go easy its my first time

So this is my first time blogging. I read somewhere that blogging helps when you're trying to write, especially if you hit that dreaded writer's block, which I have. The title for my blog actually comes from one of the novels I've been working on for almost 20 years now. Yeah, 20 years! The title is also a Sonny and Cher song as well. I know this because I have their greatest hits CD and while listening to it in completion on day I heard it. It was awesome that there was a song with the same title as a book I had been trying to finish since I was 13 years old. Now every time I think of the book or work on it I picture my book as though it were a movie playing with the song in the background. Kind of like you see the shows with the theme song playing while showing video clips of the town the show takes place in. I think, wouldn't it be awesome if my book was made into a movie? Then again, it would be awesome if it was just finished first. I have an attention problem when it comes to writing. I have so many ideas going on in my head for different books. A lot of times they come from dreams. So I write down the plot and a small list of characters and go back to what I was working on. I haven't counted them but so far I think I have about 20 book ideas and about 10 that I'm actually working on. Its not like I don't have the time, I have all the time in the world. I'm not working right now so you'd think I would just be writing and writing but nope, didn't turn out that way. I sit there in front of the computer and I get stuck. I find writing it out with paper and pen much easier but then I'm thinking, wait if I write all this out that means I'll have to type it out eventually. Most books are typed out so it’s easier to send or if I want to try the self-publishing route like Amanda Hocking did for Kindle. Typing all that out would be the worst thing I can think of because I know for a fact that I'll be editing myself as I'm going through the pages I've written and I'll decide, no I don't want to put that in there or wait it's not long enough I need to add more in. Then I'll be typing it all out anyway so what's the point in writing it on paper? Then what happens? I get stuck and irritated and stop writing altogether and just decide to turn on the television or read a book on my Kindle app. That's how I decided to start this blog. A book I'm currently reading talks about how the lead character starts a blog to help her just gets things out there she may want to talk about and helps with her writing. So, okay I'll give it a go and see what happens. So, I go to Google and type in blog and there's Blogger for you and it’s free. Since I Facebook often I figure, I can network this with Facebook and maybe someone out there in the world can read my little blog. Or it could just be beneficial for me so either way hopefully it'll work out. So out there into the world my blog goes showing that Its The Little Things that keep life interesting enough to write about.