Imagining the 'what ifs'

Have you ever imagined that 'what ifs'? I'm sure many people have. Its those daydreams that go off in your head when you want some kind of change in your life. The other day I had a daydream of sorts to pack a few things, get in my car and take off. Not to escape and never be seen again but to go out and drive around looking for things I haven't seen in this country. Travel to places I've always wanted to go here in the U.S. Problem is what that, being the price of gas and how expensive things are, I need the money. I can go anytime, I don't have a job to go to. But that there lies the problem, Unemployment doesn't exactly pay enough to even buy gas money, let alone food and hotel/motel expenses. So even if I had the chance, I can't afford it. I get paid twice a month and one of those checks goes to helping my dad with the mortgage and the other goes to medical/car insurance, cell phone and internet for the house. If I leave for, say a month or two, how can my father afford the mortgage? He can't, is the answer. So, that idea goes out the window. My head starts to go into the daydreaming of finding someone too. At this stage of my life, I fell that its just not going to happen but being single for so long I, at times, just sit there and ask God, why? Is it my future to be alone for the rest of my life? I'm not getting any younger and I see so many friends getting married and having babies. I want that, but what good is it to want it knowing its most likely not going to happen? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak when I see two people in love or a mom holding her baby and realize that not only will I never be in love again but I won't be a mother either. If you would've asked me ten years ago I would've have said, no kids. But at 33 years old, knowing that biological clock is running on low batteries, I feel the hope being taken away by time. The 'what ifs'...they are what we want out of life. Problem is, though many others will go for it, I've never been the ambitious type. Nor do I want to leave my family high and dry. We depend on each other, but those 'what ifs' plague me. So I sit here while typing this up and thinking of all the 'what ifs' I could have now had I tried 10 or 15 years ago. Hindsight's 20/20 right? And here the "ticker-tape-self-pity-parade" starts, not a lot of good it does I know. I guess that's why I have to leave it in God's hands otherwise I'll probably go crazy trying to figure out why I have to be alone as if I was a bad person or something. So I guess, Its The Little Things that make you imagine the 'what ifs' of your life and whether there'll ever be a change or will it just stay the same.