In search of...

I went on Facebook and noticed posts from people I know. They're posting about their children, some already have them and others are about to give birth. I realized these people that I knew way back in high school, most of them are younger than me. Then I see my life; no husband (not even a boyfriend) and no children (other than my furkids). I hits me from time to time how alone I have been. Not trying to whine or complain here but just a need to get it out. Put it out there that I am fully aware of how cut off from the human race I've been. Have I ever been in love? Sure. When was that? Many years ago. Therein lies the problem. The one person that I loved more than myself ended hurting me more than anyone ever had. Have I stayed single because of him? No. But I have stayed single because of what happened with him. I spent four years with him and though I would love to say that was four years of happiness, I'd be lying. Were there happy times in our relationship? Sure, a few. Most of the time though, it was chaotic. It began with lies. He lied to my face and I changed. Not that he wasn't warned mind you. Having been hurt before by someone who lied to me or more exact, lead me on into thinking he liked me to the point where I feel for him, he turned around and went back to his ex. That moment made me realize that no matter what, I don't think I'd ever be truly happy. Then someone else comes along. I didn't want to fall for him. He was like a best friend to me but I found myself wanting to be around him. We got along so well. We were in the same class and spent time together. However, it was made apparent that I was not the one he wanted. There was someone else and although he cared for me, it was only as a friend. Needless to say, I felt horrible. So I called a friend, who was a guy and told him what happened in between my sobs that I couldn't hold back. This guy was just a cool friend that I had actually assumed was with someone else so he was off limits as far as a relationship was concerned. Yet in talking to him, for hours in which he made me feel so much better and I began laughing again, he admitted that he was in fact single. It was entirely confusing but I found talking to him just made things easier. It should have stayed there as I think back. I should have kept him at a friends length instead of pulling him in to a loves embrace. There was so much pain and anger in that relationship. For four years, constant fighting. I've never been the type to hide my emotions so it was evident to everyone around us what a bitch I was. If only they knew why and in private what he did and said to me. Somethings which cause me to question myself to this day. How could I have still loved someone who did, what can only be described as the worst thing to happen to a woman? How could I have continued to be in a relationship with him for two more years. It wasn't in my mind until there was women from my church praying over me to help with the chronic pain I've been in a result of a surgery I had. They wanted to get down deeper and realized that there was more I was hiding or suppressing than just the physical pain. I had never actually come to terms with that event. I pushed it away not believing that it had a name because I still loved him. But when it ended, after learning he was cheating on me, it was as though a weight lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe again. I was not the kind of person I wanted to be while I was with him. I shout out accusations and insecurities. I got angry and yelled. People around would see me as just a horrible person to put such a sweet guy through that kind of thing. Why was he still with me? Why didn't he justs break up with me? Why would he put himself through all that bitching and complaining? He was always the good guy and I was always the bitch. That's just how it was and no matter how much I wanted to change, I realized I couldn't if I was still going to be with him. When I wasn't with him I was different, I was better. When I was, I was paranoid and insecure. In his words, I was a 'psychotic bitch'. I couldn't deny it and I won't because it was true. I hated who I was back then. Because I knew I was better than that. It occurs to me now, years and years later, it was because he was not the right person for me. I held on to that relationship far longer than I should have and now sitting in the loneliness of my life, its feels like penance. There were so many signs that God put in place for me to get out but I looked the other way. Because I did not want to be alone. I wanted someone, even if it was incredibly painful and even if we made each other miserable, I couldn't end it. Not until the unforgivable happened. There are two unforgivable actions for me to end a relationship without a second chance, one is hitting and the second is cheating. He never hit me, he knew better, even though there were times he took what I was not wanting to give him. It wasn't, to me at the time, a violent act. Now, I know better. But as I said, I still loved him and I didn't understand until I told someone and they put a name to that act. That's when it hit me what was really done and how it happened on more than one occasion. But it ended up the demise of the relationship was finding out he was seeing someone else while we were still together. I'm not happy with the way it was found out or how I reacted afterwards but I've always been rather impulsive when I'm angry. So I sit here thinking back and wondering why am I really still alone not even bothering to try to find someone? So many questions to ask but no real answer. Many people wonder if its because I still have feelings for him. That answer is an affirmed, no. My feelings died when I heard the other woman tell him that she loved him. My feelings died at that moment because that's when my heart died. I have never loved anyone, never liked or been attracted to anyone either, not since then. People tell me, 'You need to get out more'. These people have spouses and kids or significant others in their life so it puzzles me how they think I have the ability to just go outside and viola! I find a man. I started asking when they would tell me this, 'Okay, so where do I go? What do I do? What should I say?'. What's their answer? They have none. Because there really is no place for someone like me to go in which I would find someone. Not in this regional area anyway. This is Southern California, the land of plastic surgery and beautiful skinny women where guys could throw a penny and it'll land next to a hot girl. Why in the world would they want someone like me when they can have one of the others? Opportunities don't happen to everyone so I begin to think that mine ran out in school and now there is no more. So I will probably end up being the proverbial 'lonely old woman with a bunch of cats'. I don't know if that's supposed to be depressing or resolute. So I guess It's The Little Things that make you wonder, do your actions earlier in your life cause the consequences you're facing now or is it because you're not willing to change the ending for the risk of further consequences?